She is unaware of what she means.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

  • Did I mention..?

         I'm planning another tattoo. I mean I have plans galore, but this one is more solid, and I have a timeline (money permitting) for when I'm going to get it. Would you like to hear about it? If so, carry on. If not..don't.

     

     

    So I already have the starfish on my left shoulder, and the left side is where I want this tattoo. Therefore, it will either cover it, alter it, or incorporate it. That is the biggest dilemma design-wise. We'll see how Louis works with it (he is drawing the tattoo up, and I think it's partially because he wants an excuse to do the style, and partially because he's a darn good friend. :] )

    Here's a picture (with a weird angle) of the starfish. And also, I'm not completely happy with it, in case you were wondering why I don't mind covering it. I was a different person then, and it doesn't properly represent the me I've been working toward, not to mention the fact that the tattoo artist didn't get it quite right. Sooo cloosee.. and yet so far.

     

    So that is what needs to be worked around. Now, being as this is the virtual world and I don't have much of a handle on it, I'll show you--to the best of my ability--where this new addition to my tattoo collection will be:



    It's sort of going to be a half-sleeve PLUS. It will be half sleeve as in, cover my arm from about elbow (directly above it, though) to my shoulder..but it will go up as far as the starfish tattoo (whether new or simply part of it) and across the front under my collar bone. I don't want it to go TOO far across, though, because I want to be able to wear V-necks without it showing (it's already a stretch in a t-shirt with the starfish peeking over my collar.), because I want to be able to hide it if I want, but still be able to show it if I want :) It will also go onto my shoulder blade:

    I think this area is where I want the main focus of the image, because it's a relatively flat surface that doesn't require me rotating my parts to show it all at once.

    So...are you curious WHAT I'm going to put on me for eternity(...or until I decompose)?!

    Well, I'm not sure yet. The reason I started with this post is that I need to formulate a list of images I want included in the tattoo. To understand what I mean, you'll have to look at my post on John Dyer Baizley's art. (I think it's two before this..but anyway it's one of two posts I titled "Lovely", back-to-back. It's recent. Go find it, don't be lazy). There are many things going on, and imagery that reminds me of tarot cards. However, I want my tattoo to be less..grotesque. I love it, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather not have to explain to my potential-future-babies why I have certain things on me and what they mean. Especially gross representations of women. :)

    So! If you don't know anything about Alphonse Mucha's work...you live in a cave. [However, I'm pretty sure you've seen it, you're just unaware of the artist. image-Google "Mucha" and you will understand.] Baizley's work is very similar to (as in, inspired by) Mucha's work. I want a Mucha-Baizley combo. Beauty, altered. I want SOME gross/weird (just not the way yucky stuff that I didn't post) but I want it to be done beautifully. I also love the pointilistic shading Baizley does. I want that.

    Here's a reminder on Baizley's style (this is the new Flight of the Conchords album. I highly recommend):



    ONTO THE IMAGES I WANT!
    Poppies [flowers are pretty common in both artists work..and I'm not yet sure how prominent I want them]
    Feathers [any will do, but having a peacock feather or two would be lovely]
    A pocketwatch [this is not necessary, but if it can be done subtlely, I'd love it]
    Art Nouveau borders [for around the bottom by my elbow, unless something more smoothl can be done to smooth out the edges]
    Hair [It sounds weird put this way, but I mean this in the way that Baizley's black and white piece on my previous post shows.]
    Color [I just want it to be bright and beautiful..no palette specifically]
    Fabric [If it can be done.. I just adore Mucha's fabric]
    Moon(s) [I love the moon, mostly crescent-like. More than one would be lovely, too.]
    A lightning bolt [Or any other very subtle tribute to my favorite story of all time]
    Music [some representation of it..I don't care what kind. A violin might be nice, since I've played one for umpteen years]
    An owl [Not too prominent, as I already have an owl tattoo. However, some sentient eyes in the background might be lovely]
    Fish(es) [Probably because I love so much how Baroness's Blue Album artwork came out..you'll see what I mean if you read my other post]
    Antlers [preferably on a person, though not necessarily. Tactful, unobtrusive]
    Water [It's good for flow--I'm all about flow. Also, I'm an aquarius :P]
    Snake [Preferably a python, somethin' thick with a lovely design. Fuck I love snakes. heh]
    Labyrinth [Think subtle, background image]
    A Unicorn [Because really, if done right, it could be LEGENDARY! bwahah]

    Now, these are just ideas I have in my brain, and I constantly add them daily. Obviously I don't need them all included, or that would become rather obnoxious to look at..not to mention add dollas to my ever-decreasing budget.

     

    Anyhoosiers, I reallly have to start on my homework :S My mother has psychoanalyzed me and determined my lack of motivation to complete homework is a direct correlation to my social phobia. She thinks it's getting worse, I think "fuck you!"

Saturday, 14 November 2009

  • Lovely.

    You had many names
    But Lee by any other name would smell as sweet.

    I loved what I knew, and I miss what I'll never know.
    I am haunted by you, sometimes, but it's a presence I do not detest, because I'll keep you any way you'll let me.
    You taught me things about life--
    and about death--
    and about overcoming, succumbing
    and overcoming anyway.
    No one could forget you
    so instead I celebrate what you left
    and I'll try not to mourn what you'll never know--
    Switzerland, a black president, wrinkles, hovercars..

    We'll remember
    and we'll experience them for you
    and send you winks at noon
    and kisses at midnight.


    Visit me.. I like it.

     

     

    Two years today.
    Two years ago you were the most selfish person in my life
    Two years ago I got a call to which I could only reply, "No."
    Two years ago you made your best friend cut you down
    Two years ago the future ended
    Two years ago I had to convince myself that life wasn't fleeting
    Two years ago you showed me strength
    Two years later, I still remember your greasy hair and whispy gait
    Two years later, I still visit you in the places that I can
    Two years later, I think about how truly kind you were
    Two years later, and you're still alive..
    pumping through our hearts and minds

  • Lovely

        I want a Baroness t-shirt. Not because I like the band, but because I love the artwork. The vocalist/guitarist is a phenomenal artist. I wish he wasn't so into making metal music, and more into making art. John Dyer Baizley, my new favorite secret. I wish he had more for me to show you, but I'll give you what I love most:

     

     

     

     


    His style is very similar to that of Mucha, but obviously a grotesque perspective on things. I very much want another tattoo, and I'm fairly decided on something in this style. Because none of his pieces (that I've seen) are quite right for what I want to permanently ink to myself, I'm going to have my friend Louis do it. Erica offered, of course, but I am a bit of a realist and I feel like saying "Yeah my girlfriend drew this!" would be awesome, but if she ever became my ex-girlfriend, I fear the potential for resentment under my skin, quite literally. So Louis (who I think offered because he finds the style fascinating and wants an excuse to use it himself) and I have spoken about it. We're going to get some talking done over the non-denominational winter break about it, what I want and everything, placement (which I already know, but he doesn't) and other such nonsense. He lives in Missoula otherwise we would be doing it now :) I figure I'll get the ink done at the end of December or beginning of January, when the Christmas dinero comes in.

    I'm going to post another directly after this one, but I feel the following will deserve an entry to itself.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

  • Materialistic.

    I am poor. Because of this, there is in an increase of (at least) two things in my life:
    1. wanting stuff
    2. not having stuff

     

    The problem is, the older I get, the more expensive the stuff I want is.
    For example, here is a snippet of my list to Santa:

         Cash money! (Or for someone to buy my next tattoo. Estimated price: 300-500 dolla dolla bills)
         88 Key keyboard with weighted keys
         External harddrive
         New stereo system for my car (and repair blown-out speaker!)

     

    So, as you can see, I believe the cheapest thing on this list is the external harddrive, which are often upwards of 100 bones.

    Fuck college.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

  • The Magician

        I have a strange fixation with antlers. Not the kind on heads of dead deer/elk/what-have-you lined on walls..that is just sort of commonplace in my world, living in the midwest with a family of avid hunters. I like antlers on living things..but especially things that don't typically have antlers. I'm not exactly sure how to explain this. It began quite some time ago. I bought myself a tarot deck. I chose it for the art, because I have no idea how to read them (I'd like to learn sometime, but it's not at the top of my list of things to do.) The Magician card is absolutely beautiful. Let me show you:

     

    While he does not actually have antlers, but rather the hood of a deer head, I find the image beautiful. Then there are satyrs (or fauns, but people often confuse this with "fawn", as in baby deer.) These are the half-goat men who dance around quite gayly :) I love the whimsy they inspire and the long tradition they have in literature. The Greek god Pan is a satyr, and he was a devious fellow. Another famous satyr is Mr. Tumnus of Clive Staples Lewis's the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

     

     

    Antlers are typically a male thing. They're used for fighting ("my dick is bigger than yours")  and attracting mates ("my dick is bigger than his").. but I'd like to see them more on women. Now I know this whole antler thing seems strange, bogus, and definitely a little pagan...and I'm really not sure where it came from. TANGENT: It was sort of like me and vampires. I had no idea I liked them so much until someone pointed out to me how much vampire-related media I enjoy. My favorite television show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I also love the Angel spin-off. I love the imagery and nearly-hilarious phallic/sexual connotations in Bram Stoker's Dracula (the book). I liked Interview with a Vampire (the movie, I've never read the book..and also, I hated Tom Cruise in the role of Lestat) quite a bit, and earlier this summer I read a story written by both Guillermo del Toro (yes! The writer of Pan's Labyrinth...his Pan is beautiful!) and Chuck Hogan.. it's a trilogy (which is something I didn't know until the end of the book..ugh!) about a sort of..well vampiric strain of virus/infection that has struck NYC, and is--of course--on the verge of infection the rest of the world. That book is called The Strain..I just realized I forgot to mention it. BACK ON TOPIC! I think I would like to see more antlers on females.. but I have found a few images:

     

    Anyway, I'll have to browse Deviantart and Elfwood more to come up with more examples. Thought I'd share my recent love affair with you :)

Saturday, 07 November 2009

  • Changes a'comin'

    I'm finally severing my emotional ties to this godforsaken island of rage and sailing off into..what?

     

    In laymans terms, I'm moving back to South Dakota. I've been putting it off for months..but my mother and I have grown more volatile toward each other, and work is turning into a wretched place to be. I hate moving even farther away from Seattle and the woman I have found, but I can't afford to live here without living in my mother's house, and I don't want to jinx things with Erica by moving in (thought she has oh-so-kindly invited me to do so). :)

    I've been a jealous dick lately, and a grumpy one at that. I blame hormones. Not only am I PMSing, I stopped taking birth control on account of my pauper-hood, so I'm ten kinds of fucked up in my estrogen-wielding uterus.

    In other news: I love her boobs, and she thinks mine are pretty swell. I think piercings are in order. ;)

    I talked to my dad for a long time on the phone today, about an hour. It was really nice, we don't usually talk that long. We have most of the plans in order for me moving there. I am going to see Erica Thanksgiving weekend, though. She's coming to Billings, but shh! Don't tell Gustavo. I'm going to surprise him :) He wanted to meet her before I ran off, and doesn't think he gets to.

    I haven't told my mother yet. I'm not sure how she's going to react. Today, she randomly left for Winnet for three days without telling me..so I think I'm going to tell her while they're gone..as in maybe tomorrow. Not sure.

     

    Anyway, I have a fair maiden to attend to :)

Sunday, 01 November 2009

  • Lately.

    I have a strange fixation with Lucifer. I find it fascinating that his name means "bringer of light." I think I want to learn more.

     

    "But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?"
    --Mark Twain


    "I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him."
    --St. Teresa of Avila

  • Jovovich, of the Milla persuasion.

    When can I be Olivia?

     

    This, of course, means nothing to you. And maybe I should think of Olivia as her, instead of as me..but I seem to want from others what I lack in myself. I know this. This explains Rebecca, which is interestingly the sister of an Olivia I know of. I've wanted to possess Rebecca for a very long time, to take on her life and love. Her eye and hand.
    But Olivia..

     

    I am at a loss, today. Sort of like Amelia Earhart..post mortem. Such a stunning history, and I only remember her death. Say goodbye to 1937, I'm thirsty.

    Maybe she went out quenched.

Friday, 23 October 2009

  • My life:

    Where is it going?

     

     

    I met someone, someone who feels exactly how I do back. This is new. We communicate, and we sometimes make the other one a little grumpy because we always tell the truth. It's amazing. She's quitting smoking for me. I didn't ask her to. Catch: She lives in Seattle. Well, Poulsbo to be precise. I just spent a week there, and it was the single most amazing experience of my entire life. Strange, though, driving through Kent.

    Catch 2: I have to move out. I am dying here. I am slowly resenting my job (though, thankfully, not the people I work with). I need to get back into therapy. My mother and I constantly have hackles raised. It's time. I can move in with my dad, but that's 5 hours further from Erica and the already-13-hour drive. I won't let that stop me, though, from being happy. And my dad is a pretty decent guy. He's smart, simple. We get along well and he can help me learn piano. And when I get the money to move out, I can rent the other half of Alaina's house. Or I could live in my brother's house with Alaina while he's away in Kuwait, but I'm not sure how easy it would be keeping Dexter there with Macey, the 100 pound Mastiff.

     

    I have to make a decision. I talked to my dad..he's been trying to get me to live with him for years. I always thought it was for the child support, but he's still been pushing since after I turned 18.

    I'm driving to Rapid on Sunday. I think I'm going to bring a bunch of stuff, clothes I won't be wearing the next few weeks, my guitar, books, things I don't really need on the daily. It'll be better for Dex, too, not having to learn bad habits from my mother's dogs.

     

    I need to get some boxes from work.
    Goddess help me.

     

Friday, 02 October 2009

  • Booked, Line, and Sinker.

    I booked my flight. As of three minutes ago I am suffering from unholy amounts of Giddy. I cannot wait, cannot wait.

    Poulsbo, Poulsbo. Get ready, try not to panic, board the plane, try not to panic, get on plane and be shockingly calm, land, try not to panic, drive to Poulsbo, try not to shake uncontrollably/talk my mouth off, get home, feel jittery, talk until the wee hours of the morning, sleep.

    I reckon there will be kisses in there, too. Oh, Jesus I'm shaking. Like the maggots cocooned, and now they're tearing out of their silk bedsheets to wreak havoc on my tender chest--and I love every second of it. Every second. I am optimistic, there are silver linings.
    I need to buy more lace.

     

    I waltz in my head. I know you, I've walked with you once upon a dream. And to think we would both be wearing dresses. It's rather lovely, if you ask me.

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  • I am a writer. Not a professional one; not even a good one. I am, however, a writer.